35: You Are the Chaos

So, recently I turned 35 years old. For my inner self, this is a great grandpa who looks like dust in the wind. But here I am, still.

I remember how I embraced the chaos. My motto in life was: don’t struggle too much, the best things happen when not expected. And I lived by that, for real. It was cool; I never expected what would be at the next turn, what the next day would bring me, and you know what—I never took big responsibility. This, thus, led me to where I am now. But hear me out. It's not literally about my love of chaos and everything unexpected, but something bigger.

What I mean now is that I once started to notice that I couldn't even name my favorite drink or salad. I never knew what I liked or what my favorite car of all time was. That total random led me to complete unawareness of my own life. As life went on, I also started trying to change different things. I changed lots of habits, tried to memorize what I truly liked, and soon realized that it works. I folded pants and shirts the one consistent way, made meals myself the way I wanted, and I really had to think a lot about what seasoning I exactly wanted.

Time flew by and I am here now. I have planned visits to grocery stores, big food storage in my own domestic warehouse, folded clothes like they’re new, perfect order in subscriptions, clean rooms, no dust, and an absolutely calm mindset. Yes, sure, there’s some room for chaos, e.g., which meal we should make today or whether we should go to the skatepark or to the river bank on our very next walk. Sure, there’s some room for random things, like whether I should drive by bus or metro, and whatsoever. But the main thing is that that loud background noise has been cancelled. That chaos was causing it, and now I just don’t have it. I didn’t become deaf, I didn’t become numb or fatigued.

On the contrary, I’ve become much more consistent, resilient, and mindful. And here’s my main thought: What your profession is, is really who you are? No, hear me out again: what if my will for order and 'control freak' mindset, in a normal way, led me to become a manager and then grow to an architect? What if my will for making things better and simply reasonably efficient dictated where I should work? Right, it’s not that fluffy 'love your job, job your love' wisdom, but a simple correlation. I can see lots of my manager pals are also into a control-freaking state of mind, and I slowly realize that probably this is the case.

Think of it from the other side—what manager can be considered a good one if they don’t have a clean wardrobe with perfectly fitted clothes or very clear and consistent speech, meaning that their head is in order as well? What manager can be good if they don't have a well-equipped life by means of some common sense with cars, estate, some funds, and family? What manager can be good if they actually don't have a family, and so what values can they pursue? Exactly, that’s what I’m talking about.

So, as a conclusion, pals, I think that jobbing your love makes you who you are now, and people never change, just evolve. If this somehow resonates within you, then please let me know. Let that sink in.